Radical acceptance is a distress tolerance skill used to stop pain from becoming suffering. It is the ability to accept situations of the past that are outside of your control without judgment, thus reducing the suffering caused by pain. It has its roots in Buddhism and DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). This particular therapy was created by Marsha Linehan in 1993 for borderline personality disorder. Although it was originally created for the intense emotions felt by those with a personality disorder, it has shown to be very helpful with grief, depression, and eating disorders. While the concept itself seems simple enough, I’m sure it has left you with a few questions.
Firstly, no radical acceptance does not just mean accepting everything and becoming helpless. Secondly, it does not mean that you are approving of whatever happened. Accepting and approving are very different, but this is where some people get hung up in the radical acceptance process. Thirdly, it does not mean that emotional detachment means experiencing no emotion. Radical Acceptance does mean that you stop the thought cycle of ‘this isn’t fair’, ‘why me?’, and ‘If only…’. By letting go of these thoughts we can detach ourselves emotionally from the suffering these thoughts bring. It is accepting with our whole selves (mind, body, and spirit) that we cannot change the facts of what happened even if we don’t like them. It is acknowledging that pain is a part of life that we cannot change, but we can choose how we view it. By practicing acceptance and emotional detachment you shift your energy from the past to the present moment and future allowing time to find solutions and make plans for change.
Lastly, before we get into some practical steps, there are a few situations in which this practice of radical acceptance is not okay. These include abusive relationships, physical danger, exploitation, harassment, when you do in fact have control, doing nothing out of fear, and when you are using acceptance to people please. Some common situations it does help with our grief, loss of a loved one, traumatic accident, abusive childhood, struggling to articulate emotions, outbursts of anger, accepting chronic illness, or diagnosis, and struggling after divorce. These are just a few examples; radical acceptance can help with much more!
Let’s take a look at the 10 steps to practicing radical acceptance as defined by Marsha Linehan:
- Observe that you are questioning or fighting reality (“it shouldn’t be this way”.)
- Remind yourself that the unpleasant reality is just as it is and cannot be changed (“this is what happened”.)
- Remind yourself that there are causes for the reality (“this is how things happened”.)
- Practice accepting with your whole self (mind, body, spirit) – Use accepting self-talk, relaxation techniques, mindfulness and/or imagery.
- List all of the behaviors you would engage in if you did accept the facts and then engage in those behaviors as if you have already accepted the facts.
- Imagine, in your mind’s eye, believing what you do not want to accept and rehearse in your mind what you would do if you accepted what seems unacceptable.
- Attend to body sensations as you think about what you need to accept.
- Allow disappointment, sadness, or grief to arise within you
- Acknowledge that life can be worth living even when there is pain.
- Do pros and cons if you find yourself resisting practicing acceptance.
I personally learned about this term and the type of distress tolerance skill in therapy. I had spoken about how I have struggled with accepting my chronic illness of Ulcerative Colitis. My UC was brought on after a traumatic car accident and I had often thought about if I had swerved the other way or left a minute earlier how things could have possibly been different. Because of those fast five seconds, my life changed as I knew it forever. This was a hard thing to come to terms with, let alone all the grief a chronic illness brought with it. However, by practicing radical acceptance of my accident, diagnosis, lifelong illness, and things it has taken from me I have so much more peace and energy for things I enjoy.
You may be asking, is radical acceptance the same thing as mindfulness? In short, not quite. Mindfulness is the practice of being in the present moment without any judgment. This comes from the term ‘Zen’ in Buddhism. Radical acceptance on the other hand is acceptance of what happened to build on mindfulness as overall achievement. I hope that this practice of radical acceptance resonates with you in whatever area of life you need. While it does take practice and conscious effort, I can attest that the emotional freedom it brings is worth it!
Want to check out my sources? Click HERE, HERE, & HERE!
Note: * This is NOT an affiliate post. I do not receive anything for promoting or recommending things. *